I feel like.
I'm craving something, I'm not getting/

And so instead.

I dont know/

I didnt do it for you, any of you.
And I'm glad I can be there for you and give you a safe enviorment.
But I'm not really doing it to be a good friend.
I'm doing it to distract myself.

And so really.
I dontknow.

Andd recently, I made a bad decision.
I dont know, things dont always dont work out
right.






anyyyways.

As soon as I sign on to LiveJournal all my inspiration to write something goes down the drain.
I feel very tired or mellow. I m not sure whic one it is. Because I dont feel like sleeping but I'm not sure. I was rereading some of my entries they all sound diffrent.

I was talking with someone last night. We were talkingabout the diffrence between relationships that are just for fun, and then ones with emotional attachments. I think thats true. Like, there's a big diffrence. I know that as much as I say I just want to have a relationship that would only consist of fun. No real commitment or anything. I would really like to date someone where it ment something. But that's really hard for me. Everytime I date someone and I start to get real feelings for them, I back away. And I was re reading those entries and It's just me talking about danny, and how we dated and I pushed him away. And that sucks but I'm not hung up over it anymore. And I just do taht alot, and it's unfortunate. But with summer coming I'm thinking things will become more relaxed.

Anyways. It doesnt matter right now.

I'm down for whatever comes my way.

Lately, I've been really getting into Electro/synth/breakbeat/ect.
My radios are turned to 1330 AM. I listen to it while I sleep, it's nice.

I'll be a sophmore, in a week.
This year has gone by so fast.
And so much has happened, it was good year I think.
I think wow, I'm already a sophmore but then again I'm like wow, 3 more years of this.
So many of my friends are older, so It seems like I dont know.
I have friends that just graduated, friends that will next year, friends that have already, ect.
So I dont know. I'm not ready to graduate yet. I dont really like high school that much. But I'm not sure. Anyways.

I saw Nacho Libre yesterday, It was pretty good. I really liked the music. I kept like dancing to it during the movie.


Also, what's up with the drug use all of a sudden? I mean I know it's summer so people want to have fun. but tons of my friends, that are my age are starting doing drugs, Ive had like six people in the last week ask for me to get them drugs or do it with them.
And I dont know. It's just weird because I've been doing pot for like 9 months. Not that long, grantide but I dont know. It's weird how they act. because I'm use to doing it with people who are more relaxed and experienced because most of my friends are older, or just have been into that scene for a while. So it's weird. I've been at that point to so, you know.


Actually, I feel better, writing this all out.
I think I want to go out tonight, I know I did last night.
But tomorrow's going to be boring.
So I'd like to get out tonight.
I'll see what I can do.

I have alot on my mind. But I m not sure what to write.

I miss some roles people use to play in my life.

Because things happen.
Whether they be your fault or not.

And you loose connections.
Which is okay sometimes.
Because naturally some people grow apart.
I've seen that happen to me countless of times.

But sometimes its just lazyness or time or space that seperates people.
And that's too bad.
Because some people/relationships could be great if it werent for those sorts of obstacles.

I've been feeling extremely low lately.
Like With finals and other stresses.
I've been in constant movement.
So typically I spend my day like this.
I wake up at six.
Eat.
And If I dont feel motivated enough I ll go back to sleep for a half hour.
If not I ll try to look nicer.
The take the bus about 10 minutes.
And hit school about 7:20.

Then spend my whole day in class.
Preparing for finals.
Then coming home.
And either studing.
Or reading.
Or laundry.
Or I had to sew some pairs of pants.
Or rehearsal.
And rehearsal doesnt get over till 6.
And then I come home.
And Just yeah.

And I dont know.
I usually end up going to bed at 1 or 2.
Which gives me about 4 or five hours.



And so it just feels like I'm running on empty lately.
And I feel really overwhelmed.
Or Just I dont know.
Low self esteem lately.
And so I just really need more time for me.
And to just relax out.

Because my body starting to get really tired and sick.
From all of this.
So I just need some time.



okay. I m done.

I've been on both sides of the scale.
Now I dont know where I want to go.
Maybe somewhere where there isnt a scale.
Where things would purely be based on you and I.

I think sometimes you have to make decisions more based on realism and reality.
Than on want.

And I think I've made the better decision.

I think the people you become close to make you who you are.
Last night I was thinking about all the people over the last 4 years I've been friends with.
Well Not everyone. Just the good friends.

And I now see how all of them changed me a little bit.
And By people moving away and things of the sort they changed me imensly.
Not them. Well them and their actions.

The people I've met, the decisions I've made, the friendships/relationships, and hurtles I've had to overcome have changed me. Alot.

And I think I've changed into a better person.
And am changing for the better still.
So I'm happy.

I signed up for the WASL today.

Usually you would take it in 10th grade right.
Well I signed up for reading, and writing.

So I went online to signed up . [why not I have four other chances if I fail]
I decided I'd sign up for reading because I own at reading. [ Also why not I've scored time after time on our reading anylasis a "college reading level" which is the highest so it seemed like an easy way to get out of my class for the day]
Then I decided I'd take writing. Even though my english class pretty much sucks. For example today, my teacher put up an overhead of cartoonlike drawings and we listened to a book on tape.
The only justification we have for doing this was it was his favorite book in the seventies.
So for an hour I sat there and listened to disco music and a story about a dog and boy. And how they liked pointed objects? Yeah it was really weird.
So after about 20 minutes I tune it out. And started reading.

Then at the end of class. He says " We're going to have a test on this tomorrow to see if you were listening"
Wtf is up with that? That has nothing to do with launguage arts.

But anyways. I decieded to take the writing portion. All I have to do is write an expository and pursvasive essay.
And that's pretty easy.

For some reason It wouldnt allow me to take science. So I'll just take it next year. I'm just skipping the math all do it later.

I have 3 finals also.




mhmm

Some people over think everything.
And some dont think at all.

I think there's a time for both.
Because when things tend to get serious I usually overthink them.
And I shouldnt.
Because everytime I do that.
I fuck it up.
I should go more on intinct.

But then other times.
I take things too lightly.
And it puts me in dangerous spots.
When I should really think about them more.
And be like "hey is this really a good idea?"

So yeah.
I'm going to try to fix that over this year.
I messed up alot of 2005 by over/under thinking things.
So this year I wont. Or I ll try not to.